The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
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Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
is this a warning or an offer?
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️