Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
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My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.