There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
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I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy