My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
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Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
*gets down on one knee*
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?