Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
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*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.