HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
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For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.