Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
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I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.