@iwearaonesie

[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No

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@SheMightHave

Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.

Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.

@CrisMtzgr

I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET

@AngelaEhh

You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?

Hahahaa WHY!!??

@OtherDanOBrien

ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors

@zachreinert0

I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered

@DevilryFun

I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.

@msgwenl

Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.