[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
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The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
“I wouldn’t.”
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.