Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
You Might Also Like
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
This is no longer winter this is harassment
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.