All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
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[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
This dude got his own movie?
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes