Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
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“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating