People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
You Might Also Like
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.