I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
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That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
can I use a minion as a tampon
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.