Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
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ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.