If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
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“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?