First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
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The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.