Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
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You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.