Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
You Might Also Like
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
Follow me for more recipes
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
Weirdos gonna weird.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
…żyje?
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805