My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
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Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
Skills