My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
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Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash