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FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
what’s more important?
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
One venti cheeseburger please.