DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
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Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.