“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
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Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.