[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please![]()
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*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.