@Cpin42

But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me

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@clichedout

her: u excited for the next Star Wars?

me: [sweating] did we win the last one

@themorris23

When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.

@ddsmidt

Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“

@envydatropic

The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now

@LeMay666

I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.

@adamzopf

I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?

@DamienFahey

70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.

@whatsJo

Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.

@MissSassy_Pants

Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?

Costco employee: Aisle 6

Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?