But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
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* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.