Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
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[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.