At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
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MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
HERE’S MARKY
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”