Beards are a privilege, not a right
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[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
guys i’ve cracked the code
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning