Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
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She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?