4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
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Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.