I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
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But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
Things will get butter, keep churning
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*