saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
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Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”