9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
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Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.