Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
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I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Things will get butter, keep churning
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
Practicing safe sax
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.