Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
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On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders