Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
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My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
not to brag, but mine was free
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.