If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
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[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man