waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
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Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.