I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
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drew a comic about my origin story
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans: