My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
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my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
Good advice.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.