Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
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They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Home #decor warning.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream