Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
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Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
This did not end as expected.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything