“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
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[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see