“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
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Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.