“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
You Might Also Like
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
She was REALLY feeling it.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower