It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
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If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!