– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Tears for Fears: Everybody wants to rule the world.
Me: Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Bond. Trauma bond.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
