– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
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2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.