To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
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According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.