When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
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Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying