we’re dead?
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If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.