Why does laundry happen to good people?
You Might Also Like
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
December birthdays be like…
If you need a laugh.. 😅
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.